Tag Archives: elvis

“Wallace Shawn’s Penis,” And Other Curious Internet Searches That Led To My Blog

From “Wallace Shawn’s Penis” to “Was Elvis A Mudgeon?“,  the search terms that have led Internet surfers to this blog are an entertaining and often puzzling collection.  Here are my Top Ten (a full list is at the end).

1.  “Pat Benetar Teeth”  (Blog is not in top 75 results on Google)
Wow.  This apparently is quite a hot topic, especially given “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” came out almost 35 years ago.  Three different searchers came to the blog by entering this search; and there are hundreds of search results in Google.  Here are some excerpts from the Google search results on this topic:
  • Comment on TMZ.com“You’d think she’d have had enough dough all these years to get those  rabbit/chipmunk teeth fixed. Godawful ugly woman.”
  • Bio on Rhapsody.com“Pat Benatar hit the late ’70s rock scene like a teeth-and-spandex tornado.”
  • On-Line Poll:  Who Would Win A Cage Match, Debbie Harry or Pat Benatar“Pat Benatar.  Those front teeth look like lethal weapons.” (BTW, the final vote was Debbie Harry 55%, Pat Benatar 26%, and No Opinion 19%.  I am dumbfounded that one out of five people who responded to this intriguing thought-exercise did so only to register “No Opinion”).
  • THIS.

2.  “Wallace Shawn’s Penis” (#14 search result on Google)

Maybe this searcher was looking for a mental image to use to prolong sex, in the same way that some men feverishly imagine the Russian Roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter” or scroll mentally through the batting order of the ’78 Expos.  I pondered if the searcher meant the New Yorker editor Wallace Shawn or his lovable son, the actor Wally Shawn….until I saw a second search request, which read “My Dinner With Andre Sex.”

TV Teachers Wallace Shawn From Clueless Then

There are no Web sites that provide My Dinner With Andre Sex.  So, as a public service for those in search of that singular bit of slap and tickle,  here are some classic lines from “My Dinner With Andre,” using the old fortune-cookie trick of adding the phrase “in bed”:

advertisement[Upon entering the restaurant] Wally: I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable, would be to ask Andre a few questions IN BED.
Andre: So I said, well if you could give me 40 Jewish women who speak neither English nor French, either women who’d been in the theater for a long time and want to leave it but don’t know why, or young women who love theater but had never seen a theater they could love. And if these women could play the trumpet or the harp, and if I could work in a forest, I’d come…IN BED.
Wally: There’s nothing better than getting up in the morning and having the cup of cold coffee that’s been waiting for me all night, still there for me to drink in the morning.  And no cockroach or fly has died in it overnight.  I mean, I just can’t imagine how anybody could enjoy something else any more than that IN BED.
Andre:  Yes, we are bored.  We’re all bored now. And somebody who’s bored is asleep, and somebody who’s asleep will not say no IN BED.
You’re welcome.
3.  “Bangkok Strippers Ping Pong” (Blog is #3 Google search result)
Perhaps, in this Super Bowl week, the searcher is interested in combining play and pulchritude, along the lines of Beach Blanket Bingo or The Lingerie Bowl.  More likely, of course, the searcher was looking for that quaint entertainment found in Bangkok strip clubs, in which the entertainers demonstrate how to serve a ping pong ball without the use of hands or a paddle.  Given that, as the Avenue Q puppets put it, “The Internet Is For Porn,” I just wonder how this Blog could possibly be the #3 search result for this phrase. 

4.  “How Is The Nucleus Like The Godfather”  (Blog is #3 result for this search on Google)

This is a true moment of Zen….or maybe it’s one of those head-scratching SAT Test “Analogy” questions.  But, I can see some similarities between the Nucleus and The Godfather.  According to this Web site, “The cell nucleus acts like the brain of the cell. If it happens in a cell, chances are the nucleus knows about it. The nucleus is not always in the center of the cell. You probably won’t find it near the edge of a cell because that might be a dangerous place for the nucleus to be.”  And, really, isn’t The Godfather also the brains of his operation, knowing everything that happens while keeping away from dangerous places for him to be?  Indeed, don’t Godfathers usually end up in a cell?

5.  “I Am Old”  (Blog is not in top 75 results on Google)
It’s not clear what Dear Searcher was hoping to find by this search (perhaps a reassuring, “Oh, no, dear.  You’re just ‘experienced'”?).  But, if you type in “I Am Old,” the Google search engine helpfully suggests other, more meaningful searches, including:
  • How Old Am I Quiz and How Old Am I Calculator:  Apparently, these are on-line tools for those who need a little extra help in figuring out their own age.
  • How Old Am I Really:  For those who are not satisfied with the answers from the above quiz or calculator.
  • How Old Am I In Dog Years:  For those who would prefer to think of themselves as seven times their actual age, but are having trouble with the math.  (Yes, there are entire Web sites that calculate this for you).
6. “Was Elvis A Mudgeon?” (Blog is #1, #2 and #3 Google search result)
Not surprisingly, none of the Google results for this search addresses this question.  So, Dear Searcher, allow me to respond from my own experience.  I missed out on the Elvis years; so until I visited Graceland I thought Elvis was a cartoonish Las Vegas lounge singer in a sausage-casing jumpsuit studded with rhinestones.  However, when I went to Gracelend I honestly (no, this is not post-modern irony) was moved by this modest and big-hearted kid who was so generous with his family, his fans, and local charities.  So, I would say no, Elvis was not a Mudgeon.
Unless, of course, the searcher meant Elvis Costello.
7.  “Mr. Obama Please Let Leonard Peltier Freezer” (#1 search result on Google)
Proof, I assume, that the Auto-Complete function on “smart” phones can create some wicked good poetry.
8.  “Superhuman Powers Betting Sports”  (Blog is #1 search result on Google)
I am pleased that the blog is the #1 Google result for this search, but I have the feeling that Dear Searcher’s information need was not satisfied by my blog post regarding betting on sporting events based on which team mascot would win in a mascot-on-mascot throwdown.
9.  “Family Lessons Sex”  (Blog is #11 search result on Google)
Dozens of searches for combinations of these three words led family-(sex)-minded searchers to this blog.  It’s refreshing to know that the basic impulse that drove readers to Tijuana Bibles has carried forward to the Digital Age.
10.  “Will He Love Me Like Calvin Loves Alice”  (Blog is #10 search result on Google)
Finally, I am truly tickled that this blog came up in more than fifty searches for the love story of Calvin and Alice Trillin.  I purloined their story in my post about my own marriage, which I called “Calvin Trillin, Alice, Barbara and Me: A Love Story.”  It’s heartening to see that so many other people know the Calvin and Alice story, want to hear more about it, and wonder wistfully, “Will He Love Me Like Calvin Loves Alice?”
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January 27, 2013 · 1:39 pm

The Gruntled Contrarian: Might A Sensible Person Vote For Mitt Romney?

This Tuesday,  close to seventy million people are going to vote to elect Mitt Romney president.  It is easy to dismiss these folks as either (a) mouth-breathing guv’m’t-hating Militiamen with confederate flags hanging in the rear windows of their pickup trucks or (b) hedge-fund-managing filet-eating country-club Protestants named Bunky and Missy, and to chalk up their votes to self-interest or ignorance.  But, to argue ad populum as Elvis did back when Eisenhower was president, can seventy million people all be stupidly wrong?  Inspired by a friend who asked her Facebook mischpucha to state a reasoned argument in favor of Romney for President (no one responded), here is my answer.

The argument against Obama

First, of course, is the argument that Romney hoped would be sufficient to carry the day:  The referendum on Obama’s first term.

If this election were simply about Obama’s performance as president, even we Obama supporters have to admit, it’s been a rocky road since those heady Audacity of Hope days four years ago.  Those four years seem to have had a clear arc:  Like other presidents (think FDR, Reagan, Johnson), our guy front-loaded his term with a slew of policy initiatives.  Although we cheered his audacity, it seemed that Obama trampled Congress by ramming through the Affordable Care Act, the closure of Gitmo, and the attempted cap-and-trade legislation, when those issues seemed so much less important than rescuing the free-falling economy.  Then, after a rumpus of Tea Party candidates won their mid-term elections and threatened to hold the debt ceiling increase hostage to their demands for lower spending, our guy backed down meekly, agreeing to cut $917 trillion from the budget through the tragically ill-considered “Super Committee.”  Since then, he has been a nondescript centrist with a seemingly fireless belly, leading finally to his what-me-worry performance in the first presidential debate last month.

So, the first defensible reason for a vote for Romney:  Our guy seems to have lost his fire; time to try a fresh horse.

Second is the general argument from fear and concern.  Yes, housing starts are up, unemployment is lessening steadily, and the stock market is at record highs.  But, if you’re out of work, or upside-down on your home’s value, or just frightened that the national debt will threaten Medicare, Social Security, and national strength, these Budget Office statistics are no more meaningful than the rosy agricultural news that used to be announced in Pravda.  Admittedly, Romney’s plans to boost the national economy are either naive (we’ll force China to normalize its currency!) or mundane (we’ll eliminate wasteful spending!) or nonexistent (I’ll figure it all out with Congress!); but, the top-line claims of lower spending, lower taxes and twelve million new jobs speak directly to people who are afraid for the future.  (And, credit has to be given to Romney for even whispering that Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security are not sustainable in their present form, which is the dirty little subject no politician wants to touch).

Third is the argument for Romney himself.  True, it is difficult to argue in favor of Romney’s policies, because he has proved himself to be the Don E. Mobile of politics.  (Perhaps because he is indifferent to policy when it interferes with ambition; but more likely because he is trying to serve so many interest groups at the same time).  After an entire primary and campaign season of mouthing the lines of the hard social and fiscal right, he showed up at the first presidential debate as a moderate.

But, then, most voters are not policy wonks.  It would not be stupid to look at Romney as follows:  He is an energetic and enthusiastic politician; he has experience running things, from Bain Capital to the Olympics to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (Obama, of course, ran nothing other than the Harvard Law Review until he took office); and, he has some history of being able to build a consensus between political parties.  A person could sensibly conclude that Romney will be a businesslike president who will bring new energy to the job and might even break the logjam in Washington (especially if we Democrats continue to accept every unctuous one-sided offer of compromise from the other guys).

Perhaps the Argument for Romney is best summed up in the Orlando Sentinel he-ain’t-great-but-give-the-guy-a-chance endorsement, excerpted below:

Romney is not our ideal candidate for president. We’ve been turned off by his appeals to social conservatives and immigration extremists. Like most presidential hopefuls, including Obama four years ago, Romney faces a steep learning curve on foreign policy. But, he has a strong record of leadership to run on. He built a successful business. He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from scandal and mismanagement. As governor of Massachusetts, he worked with a Democrat-dominated legislature to close a $3billion budget deficit without borrowing or raising taxes, and pass the health plan that became a national model.  This is Romney’s time to lead, again. If he doesn’t produce results — even with a hostile Senate — we’ll be ready in 2016 to get behind someone else who will.

So, there you have it.  Translated into a bumper sticker:  Romney.  Hell, It’s Worth A Try.

Romney-Inequality-Banner.jpeg

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